Well, It's been almost two and a half years since I've written anything here, despite my initial intentions for something fairly regular. It's probably been the toughest period of my life, both financially, and emotionally. Oh, on that note, my profile needs updated. I have passed the mark of twenty something early this year and have hit thirty. Surprisingly that has been one of the easier bits. I had kind of been dreading the milestone for the simple fact that I didn't feel I had much to show for the thirty years I've stewarded, but I just have to accept that it can't be changed, and only the future can be affected/effected from here. It's not what I'd call a liberating realization, but it's certainly a shred to hold on to. I initially didn't really intend to drag much of my personal life into a blog, but what goes on in one's personal life tends to affect their outlook, and I'd imagine that mine has been altered, at best a little, more likely quite a bit.
The first, and very difficult admission is that I have more recently suffered quite a bit more depression than I'd ever let on. Depression for me was sort of a dirty word. It is a very real struggle for many people out there, but I felt that I could at least be relatively immune to it. No one is happy all the time, but depression is a different beast. I'd always considered myself a fairly successful self preservationist as well. I've always been good at putting ideas into perspective, and channeling darker emotions into some sort of productivity. Even though I'm poor, I've always had enough to eat, and at least a leaky roof over my head. I also have a family that would never let me starve. By all accounts, I still have a damn good life. Family and friends that care, a house, (well, actually two, but that's a different beast) a job, a car, a bicycle, hobbies, and certain materialistic trappings that I treasure.
There are many people in this world that don't have the security of knowing they'll wake up the next day because of hostilities, war, illness, food security, and countless other issues. People are homeless, hungry, don't have beds, don't have water. Some children are born with terminal illnesses that guarantee they won't survive even to adulthood. What reason have I to complain? But depression isn't about complaining. It's gnawing. It's intangible. It's as much physical as psychological sometimes. It was perhaps the first time in my life that I'd ever felt lonely, despite the presence of others. It may sound strange, but I'd never really experienced feelings of loneliness in my life. I'm certainly content to "play by myself." But this was different.
Last year I ended a fairly long term relationship, not intending to find a new one, or really even looking. However, one found me, or I found one, but it happened. Very quickly. He was really fascinating. A lawyer, an ordained minister, a musician, an opera singer, a polyglot. On paper it was fantastic. His friends were great, we got along. I was shocked. For the first time in my life, I thought I was actually perhaps in love, a feeling I wasn't ever sure I'd feel. I could actually see building a sustainable future with someone. But I was wrong. Very wrong. Very, VERY wrong. It was really subtle at first, but he was emotionally abusive. I was wonderful, but why did I want to talk to that person, I was free to have my friends, but I'd feel guilty if I chose to spend time with them. I loaned him my spare automobile that I was going to sell to repair my porch and actually make it safe. It was wonderful, then it was terrible. I've been accused of such outlandish things that it still occasionally makes me angry to think about. Then he was always so sorry, I was so good to him, he loved me, etc. I badly wanted to believe, but after more unspeakable horrors that occurred (near physical altercations between him and a friend in my hallway) and a later near physical assault from this same friend, (which I don't condone physical violence, but the manipulation from the relationship had caused a yo-yo effect on my end of treating this friend very badly, and having to apologize for it on multiple occasions) I was able to get out.
It's worth mentioning that not everyone gets out of these situations, and some people live years, or the rest of their lives in relationships like that one. My heart breaks for these individuals because it's hell. I am not an overweight individual by any means, in fact most people consider me thin. (I was a fat kid, and if there's one thing that anyone who grew up fat can tell you, it never goes away. You always, as Rebel Wilson's character in Pitch Perfect says, "have a fat heart." In the course of about 4 months, I lost 25lbs, dropping to my lowest adult weight ever of about 135lbs. On my not quite 5'9" frame, my friends were super worried. I was gaunt, I had no energy, I couldn't eat.
So that's it. I made it out. On halloween night, I decided to go on a date. Ex had invited me to a Halloween party, but I was finally mentally empowered enough to say no. A shockingly big deal for those of you who have never experienced something like this. I was pretty excited about the date. It wasn't someone I'd met online. I met him at his family's vineyard a couple of years before when I a friend and I discovered it along a route we were driving. I went back and bought a couple of bottles of wine, and he showed up, and remembered the meeting from a couple of years before. He invited me over. He seemed nice, I'd chatted with his mom, he'd let us walk around and see some of the grape presses. It was very interesting. I met him at his apartment and we had wine, and cheese, and maybe one thing led to another. (Before the naysayers, the ones who don't read this blog anyway, make their judgements, I was by no means drunk. I don't enjoy drunk people, and I don't enjoy being drunk myself) To make a long story short and to avoid graphic, and painful details, I was sexually assaulted.
It was a scary and confusing time after that. There are feelings of anger, guilt, shame, fear, isolation. I didn't call the authorities, I did go to a clinic for testing, and that short half an hour meeting three days later was the only thing like counseling that I received for the incident. I've always been really good at processing information through a filter of detached reason, and while I may run situations by people, I'm not one who frequently asks for advice. I usually carry the debates on internally to their logical ends, and feel fairly comfortable with my decision.
Right after that I turned thirty. Then, two weeks later I was laid off from my job, and suddenly I found myself not really myself anymore. Something was missing, like a little bit of the fire had gone out. That fire was always a hope for a better future. It's what I was striving to outline in this blog. That's why I thought I'd visit this blog again, and maybe find that fire/motivation/drive.
Here's to a long and worthwhile journey.
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